Martial, Epigrams 12.69

sic tanquam tabulas scyphosque, Paule,
omnes archetypos habes amicos.

You think all your friends are the genuine article, Paulus, just like your paintings and cups.

Paulus, then, has been taken in not only by ‘friends’ who are just after his money – he’s clearly rich – but also by people selling him dodgy antiques. But if one understands ‘habes’ in the more straightforward sense ‘have’, I think it’s equally possible to read this as complimentary, which of course adds to the humour of the obvious ironical intention: ‘You have friends who [really] are all genuine, just like your [really genuine] antiques.’ So Martial is himself playing with his addressee’s gullibility.

Martial, Epigrams 12.30

siccus, sobrius est Aper. quid ad me?
servum sic ego laudo, non amicum.

Aper is dry and sober. What good is that to me? It’s what I praise a slave for, not a friend!

Martial, Book on the spectacles 1.2

On the Colosseum, which was built over Nero’s palace and took its name from the colossal statue of Nero (by this time refashioned as a statue of the Sun).

hic ubi sidereus propius videt astra colossus
    et crescunt media pegmata celsa via,
invidiosa feri radiabant atria regis
    unaque iam tota stabat in urbe domus;
hic ubi conspicui venerabilis Amphitheatri
    erigitur moles, stagna Neronis erant;
hic ubi miramur velocia munera thermas,
    abstulerat miseris tecta superbus ager;
Claudia diffusas ubi porticus explicat umbras,
    ultima pars aulae deficientis erat.
reddita Roma sibi est et sunt te praeside, Caesar,
    deliciae populi, quae fuerant domini.

Here, where the Colossus, arrayed with stars, views the stars up close, and where in the middle of the road tall scaffolding rises, the palace of a savage king used to gleam, and a single house used to stand covering the whole city. Here, where the august far-seen Amphitheatre raises its bulk, were Nero’s lakes. Here where we marvel at the public baths, a swiftly-built amenity, his proud estate had stolen poor folks’ houses. Where the Claudian colonnade spreads its shade the disappeared palace’s furthest part used to extend. Rome has been returned to itself under your governance, Caesar; now the delight of the populace, it was once the delight of its master.

Martial, Epigrams 8.35

cum sitis similes paresque vita,
uxor pessima, pessimus maritus,
miror non bene convenire vobis.

Since you two are similar and equal in your way of life, being an awful wife and an awful husband, I’m surprised you don’t get along well with each other.

Martial, Epigrams 4.21

nullos esse deos, inane caelum
adfirmat Segius: probatque, quod se
factum, dum negat haec, videt beatum.

Segius asserts that there are no gods, that heaven is empty. And he’s the proof, because, even as he denies these things, he sees that he’s become prosperous.

A slightly convoluted logical argument, explained here by the great JP Sullivan.

Martial, Epigrams 7.77

exigis ut nostros donem tibi, Tucca, libellos.
   non faciam: nam vis vendere, non legere.

You demand that I give you my little books, Tucca. I shan’t, as you want to sell them, not read them.

As often with ancient jokes, the punchline is weaker than we would like it today. I think we’d prefer ‘You don’t want to read them – you want to sell them!’

Martial, Epigrams 11.64

nescio tam multis quid scribas, Fauste, puellis
   hoc scio, quod scribit nulla puella tibi.

I don’t know what it is that you write to so many girls, Faustus. But I do know that no girl ever writes to you.

Martial, Epigrams 7.98

The perils of rampant consumerism. Literally a one-liner (a hexameter)!

omnia, Castor, emis: sic fiet ut omnia vendas.

You buy everything, Castor. This way you’ll end up selling everything!

Martial, Epigrams 12.51

tam saepe nostrum decipi Fabullinum
miraris, Aule? semper homo bonus tiro est.

Are you surprised that our Fabullinus so often gets cheated, Aulus? A good man is always a novice.

Martial, Epigrams 12.20

Martial makes a nasty insinuation of impropriety.

quare non habeat, Fabulle, quaeris,
uxorem Themison. habet sororem.

You want to know, Fabullus, why Themison doesn’t have a wife. He has a sister.