Lucian, Saturnalia 13

The first set of rules for the Saturnalia, as dictated by Cronos himself.

μηδένα μηδὲν μήτε ἀγοραῖον μήτε ἴδιον πράττειν ἐντὸς τῆς ἑορτῆς ἢ ὅσα ἐς παιδιὰν καὶ τρυφὴν καὶ θυμηδίαν· ὀψοποιοὶ μόνοι καὶ πεμματουργοὶ ἐνεργοὶ ἔστωσαν. ἰσοτιμία πᾶσιν ἔστω καὶ δούλοις καὶ ἐλευθέροις καὶ πένησι καὶ πλουσίοις. ὀργίζεσθαι ἢ ἀγανακτεῖν ἢ ἀπειλεῖν μηδενὶ ἐξέστω. λογισμοὺς παρὰ τῶν ἐπιμελουμένων Κρονίοις λαμβάνειν μηδὲ τοῦτο ἐξέστω. μηδεὶς τὸν ἄργυρον ἢ τὴν ἐσθῆτα ἐξεταζέτω μηδὲ ἀναγραφέτω ἐν τῇ ἑορτῇ μηδὲ γυμναζέσθω Κρονίοις μηδὲ λόγους ἀσκεῖν ἢ ἐπιδείκνυσθαι, πλὴν εἴ τινες ἀστεῖοι καὶ φαιδροὶ σκῶμμα καὶ παιδιὰν ἐμφαίνοντες.

No one is to do anything, either public or private business, during the festival, except for things to do with play, luxuriousness and rejoicing; only cooks and pastry-chefs may be at work. Let there be equal treatment for all – slaves and free people, paupers and rich people. Let no one be permitted to get angry, to be vexed, or to utter threats. Let it also not be permitted for anyone to audit accounts during the time devoted to Cronus. Let no one inspect or make an inventory of their silver or clothing during the festival, nor take part in athletics during Cronus’ time, nor practise their public speaking, nor put on a show, except for witty and cheery people who present jokes and playfulness.

Lucian, Phalaris 1.9

More from Lucian’s imagined speech of Phalaris, with some masterful spin on having an extensive spy network.

ὅταν δὲ βουληθῆτε τοὐμὸν εἰδέναι, τοὺς εἰσφοιτῶντας εἰς Ἀκράγαντα ξένους ἐρωτήσατε ὁποῖος ἐγὼ περὶ αὐτούς εἰμι καὶ εἰ φιλανθρώπως προσφέρομαι τοῖς καταίρουσιν, ὅς γε καὶ σκοποὺς ἐπὶ τῶν λιμένων ἔχω καὶ πευθῆνας, τίνες ὅθεν καταπεπλεύκασιν, ὡς κατ’ ἀξίαν τιμῶν ἀποπέμποιμι αὐτούς.

And when you want to know my view, ask the foreigners who visit Acragas how I act towards them, and whether I am friendly in approaching people who put in at harbour; I even have lookouts at the harbours, as well as questioners to ask who they are and where they have sailed from, so that I can send them away with the right proportion of honours.

Lucian, Phalaris 1.8

The tyrant Phalaris of Acragas is best known for cooking people to death in a novelty bronze bull, but here Lucian makes him point out that you have to be cruel to be kind, it hurts him more than them, etc. etc.

ποσάκις γοῦν ἐδάκρυσα μαστιγουμένων ἄλλων, ποσάκις δὲ θρηνεῖν καὶ ὀδύρεσθαι τὴν ἐμαυτοῦ τύχην ἀναγκάζομαι μείζω κόλασιν αὐτὸς καὶ χρονιωτέραν ὑπομένων; ἀνδρὶ γὰρ φύσει μὲν ἀγαθῷ, διὰ δὲ ἀνάγκην πικρῷ, πολὺ τοῦ κολάζεσθαι τὸ κολάζειν χαλεπώτερον.

How many times have I wept as others are being flogged? How many times have I not been compelled to lament and wail for my own misfortune, as I undergo greater and more chronic punishment than theirs? For a man who is naturally moral, but harsh by necessity, it is much harder to punish than to be punished.

Lucian, Life of Demonax 16

ἐπεὶ δέ τις ἀθλητὴς καταγελασθεὶς ὑπ’ αὐτοῦ, ὅτι ἐσθῆτα ὤφθη ἀνθινὴν ἀμπεχόμενος Ὀλυμπιονίκης ὤν, ἐπάταξεν αὐτὸν εἰς τὴν κεφαλὴν λίθῳ καὶ αἷμα ἐρρύη, οἱ μὲν παρόντες ἠγανάκτουν ὡς αὐτὸς ἕκαστος τετυπτημένος καὶ ἐβόων πρὸς τὸν ἀνθύπατον ἰέναι, ὁ δὲ Δημῶναξ, “μηδαμῶς,” ἔφη, “ὦ ἄνδρες, πρὸς τὸν ἀνθύπατον, ἀλλ’ ἐπὶ τὸν ἰατρόν.”

And an athlete was ridiculed by Demonax for drawing attention to himself, being a victor at the Olympic games, by dressing up in bright-coloured clothing; the athlete then hit him on the head with a stone and drew blood. The bystanders got angry, as though they had each been struck themselves, and shouted that they were going to go to the governor. But Demonax said, ‘No, gentlemen! Not to the governor, but to the doctor!’

Lucian, Life of Demonax 37

καὶ μάντιν δέ ποτε ἰδὼν δημοσίᾳ ἐπὶ μισθῷ μαντευόμενον, “οὐχ ὁρῶ,” ἔφη, “ἐφ’ ὅτῳ τὸν μισθὸν ἀπαιτεῖς· εἰ μὲν γὰρ ὡς ἀλλάξαι τι δυνάμενος τῶν ἐπικεκλωσμένων, ὀλίγον αἰτεῖς ὁπόσον ἂν αἰτῇς, εἰ δὲ ὡς δέδοκται τῷ θεῷ πάντα ἔσται, τί σου δύναται ἡ μαντική;”

And once, when he saw a fortune-teller telling fortunes for a fee, he said, ‘I don’t see the reason why you ask for a fee: if you are able to change any of the things that have been fated, then whatever you charge will be too small an amount, but if everything will happen in the way the god has decided, what does your fortune-telling achieve?’

Lucian, Lover of Lies 26

A slightly spooky one for Halloween. The speaker is a doctor by the name of Antigonus.

ἐγὼ γὰρ οἶδά τινα μετὰ εἰκοστὴν ἡμέραν ἧς ἐτάφη ἀναστάντα, θεραπεύσας καὶ πρὸ τοῦ θανάτου καὶ ἐπεὶ ἀνέστη τὸν ἄνθρωπον.

I know of a man who came to life twenty days after he was buried; I was his doctor both before his death and after he came back to life.

Lucian, Hermotimus 1

Hermotimus quotes the famous first line of Hippocrates’ Aphorisms:

χρὴ δὲ μηδένα καιρόν, οἶμαι, παριέναι εἰδότας ἀληθὲς ὂν τὸ ὑπὸ τοῦ Κῴου ἰατροῦ εἰρημένον, ὡς ἄρα “βραχὺς μὲν ὁ βίος, μακρὴ δὲ ἡ τέχην.”

We must not, I think, pass by any opportunity, knowing as we do that what the Coan doctor said is true: ‘Life is short, but art is long.’

Lucian, The Philosophy of Nigrinus 23

οὐ γὰρ οὕτω τοῦ πλουτεῖν ἐρῶσιν ὡς τοῦ διὰ τὸ πλουτεῖν εὐδαιμονίζεσθαι. καὶ οὕτω δὴ ἔχει, μηδὲν ὄφελος εἶναι περικαλλοῦς οἰκίας τῷ οἰκοῦντι μηδὲ χρυσοῦ καὶ ἐλέφαντος, εἰ μή τις αὐτὰ θαυμάζοι.

They do not love being rich so much as being congratulated for being rich. And the fact of the matter is that a very beautiful house is of no benefit for the man who lives in it, nor are gold and ivory, unless someone admires those things.

Lucian, On Salaried Posts in Great Houses 14

Lucian on the art of arriving fashionably late:

σὺ δὲ ἐσθῆτα καθαρὰν προχειρισάμενος καὶ σεαυτὸν ὡς κοσμιώτατα σχηματίσας λουσάμενος ἥκεις, δεδιὼς μὴ πρὸ τῶν ἄλλων ἀφίκοιο· ἀπειρόκαλον γάρ, ὥσπερ καὶ τὸ ὕστατον ἥκειν φορτικόν. αὐτὸ οὖν τηρήσας τὸ μέσον τοῦ καιροῦ εἰσελήλυθας, καί σε πάνυ ἐντίμως ἐδέξατο, καὶ παραλαβών τις κατέκλινε μικρὸν ὑπὲρ τοῦ πλουσίου μετὰ δύο που σχεδὸν τῶν παλαιῶν φίλων.

Having chosen clean clothes and made yourself as neat as possible you arrive from your visit to the baths, but are afraid of going in before the others – for that would be unsophisticated, just as coming last would be vulgar. So after waiting for the very middle moment of the right time you’ve gone in and he receives you with every courtesy. Someone takes charge of you and sets you in your place, a little up from the rich man, perhaps just next to a couple of his old friends.

Lucian, Slander 8

Lucian quotes a hexameter from ‘the best of poets’; the scholiast claims it is by Phocylides, but it’s quoted by various other authors, and is elsewhere attributed to Hesiod.

εἰ δέ τῳ μὴ ἀξιόπιστοι δοκοῦσιν οἱ νομοθέται παραινοῦντες οὕτω δικαίας καὶ ἀμερεῖς ποιεῖσθαι τὰς κρίσεις, ποιητήν μοι δοκῶ τὸν ἄριστον ἐπάγειν τῷ λόγῳ εὖ μάλα περὶ τούτων ἀποφηνάμενον, μᾶλλον δὲ νομοθετήσαντα. φησὶ δέ,

μήτε δίκην δικάσῃς, πρὶν ἄμφω μῦθον ἀκούσῃς.

If anyone thinks that the lawgivers, who recommend that verdicts be given justly and impartially, are not worthy of our trust, I have a mind to quote the best poet, who gave an excellent opinion – or rather laid down the law – on these matters. He says:

Do not give your judgement until you have heard a speech on both sides.